


An Assbird in a Pear Tree

by AkinoAme



Category: Kamen Rider OOO
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Humor, Rhyming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-22 01:11:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkinoAme/pseuds/AkinoAme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ankh doesn't care much for Christmas at Cous Coussier. My apologies to Dr. Seuss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Assbird in a Pear Tree

'Twas the eve before Christmas, and throughout the café,  
Holiday spirit was out on display  
Hina was decked out in holly and bows  
While Eiji, as Rudolph, had a shiny red nose  
Chiyoko urged patrons to spread Christmas cheer  
By singing out carols loudly and clear  
But one person sat out of their merry band  
Ankh glared at the lot of them, ice pop in hand.

What was Christmas, after all, but a whole lot of noise?  
Just a day filled with greed as kids wished for toys  
While angels sang out in heavenly song  
(Songs, Ankh thought, he'd heard played far too long)  
And lovers stole kisses beneath mistletoe  
All ruled by a fat king who cried, "Ho ho ho!"

Of this nonsense and noise, Ankh wanted no part  
Knowing full well that it broke Hina's heart  
"I miss my big brother," she'd said with a tear,  
"We had Christmas together, just us every year."  
But Ankh was no Shingo, he could not replace  
The brother she longed to see and embrace  
He was someone else different, it just wasn't fair  
To see him in that body, giving that glare.

It could not be fair, Eiji agreed,  
And he resolved to himself to talk to the Greeed.  
So once he had Chiyoko's attention misled,  
He dragged Ankh into the kitchen and said,  
"Hina-chan's lonely. Can't you just try  
To do something once that won't make her cry?"  
But Ankh just sneered and finished his treat  
"You want me to do an impossible feat?"

Eiji glared back and argued instead,  
"You know what you're doing; you heard what she said.  
You're like the monster in the book, where they say  
He hated Christmas, so he tried to take it away.  
Just because you don't like having fun,  
You don't have to ruin it for everyone."

"The monster in the story had the right plan,"  
Said Ankh as he held up his Greeed-y right hand.  
"You know what the Greeed did, a long time ago?  
Around the time when it began to snow?  
At this time of year, with greed in full bloom,  
We'd send out Yummys to everyone's doom."

"It's different now," Eiji said, his voice cold.  
"It's not like it was in the days of old.  
I'm not the King, and the Greeed will fall  
You know that we'll beat every one of them all.  
But Hina-chan and Chiyoko just want a good time  
Is making them happy really such a crime?"

But his break soon was over, and Chiyoko came in  
"Eiji," she said, "so that's where you've been!  
I'm taking a picture—Ankh-chan, come too!  
You're part of the family—yes, I mean you!"  
"I don't think he'll do it," Eiji had to admit.  
"He's not really one for Christmas spirit."

"Oh, what a shame," she said and she sighed.  
But she let him be, for the sake of his pride.  
She turned for a moment. "Before I forget—  
There's a treat in the freezer, part of Eiji's debt."  
Ankh stared curiously as they left him be  
To take a photo by the Christmas tree.

But before he could check, behind him came  
A voice so loud it could only exclaim,  
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" before he could even believe  
This man had come 'round on Christmas Eve  
Kougami was here, and what else did he take  
With him than a large Christmas cake?

"What are you doing?" Ankh groaned in despair  
Could nobody give him peace anywhere?  
"And what's with the birthday—I'd think even you  
Would know that it's Christmas, or at least have a clue."  
"Each day is a birth!" Kougami declared.  
"Particularly Christmas!" He had Ankh there.

"It's just another day for desire and greed."  
"Of course, Ankh, that's just what we need!"  
Not this logic again, Ankh could not stand  
How much love of desire was within this man.  
"Why are you here? Why can't you be  
With your company, or at least away from me?"

"I'm here with a present," and he set down the cake,  
"But it looks like you're making a mistake."  
"What mistake?" Ankh sneered as he turned away.  
"You think I should join their holiday play?  
I'm stuck with them till I get my body back  
I don't have to go with the rest of the pack."

"That's just one thing you want, you should want more,"  
Kougami said as he moved toward the door.  
"I'm nothing but greed, in case you forgot.  
The time I ignored it is when I got caught."  
"But what else do you want?" Kougami persisted.  
"More than you can know," the Greeed insisted.

"That's good," said Kougami with a smile  
(Ankh hoped it meant he'd stay away for a while)  
And with his voice so loud it hurt everyone's ears  
"Merry Christmas, Ankh! And a Happy New Year!"  
Ankh groaned more as Kougami took leave  
To enjoy the rest of his Christmas Eve

But at last it was quiet, and Ankh turned to find  
What treat the three humans had left behind  
Inside the freezer, hidden for good reason  
Were red and green ice pops, striped for the season  
It was clear they'd been made with great care  
By all three of the humans, the ones right out there.

If they could this one thing just for him  
Maybe, just once, he could be a little less grim  
He went outside as they stood by the tree  
And took his place between Hina and Eiji  
And he didn't protest, said no nasty things  
When Chiyoko dressed him in a halo and wings.

"Thanks for doing that with us," Eiji later said  
As they settled down in the attic for bed  
But Ankh ate his ice pop and looked at his phone.  
"I did my good deed. Now leave me alone."  
Eiji smiled even as Ankh sneered.  
"Don't expect me to do this again next year."

**_Kamen Rider OOO_ is the property of**   
**Ishimori Productions, and Toei we so love**   
**While this story may lack in pear trees**   
**I hope that you still had some glee**   
**At Ankh's plight, so similar to**   
**Some old Christmas classics I sort of made new:**   
**"A Visit From St. Nicholas," anonymously written,**   
**A touch of _A Christmas Carol_ by old Charles Dickens**

**But much of it, you may deduce**   
**Is from the tale of the Grinch by the late Dr. Seuss.**   
**My tale may be crack, but I hope you enjoy**   
**As you settle down to your gifts and toys**   
**This small gift of holiday cheer**   
**Merry Christmas, et al., and I'll see you next year.**


End file.
